Refer to a live performance for more accurate chord changes and strumming patterns :) Verse 1 G There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree. G Gussied up with candy canes and balls G Those carolers have kept me up for hours G It's "merry Christmas!" seeping through my walls G Now I'm no Wiccan commie or nothin' G But there is one damn holiday I can't stand G It ain't Halloween, Thanksgiving, or even April Fools G But it'll surely make a fool out of every man. Chorus 1 G If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas C G You know where to stick those jingle bells D C If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah G And all you motherfuckers go to hell C G If I ain't kokeyed then it ain't Kwanzaa C G Joy to the world, Jack and Cokes C D If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas C G Cause I ain't never anything but broke Verse 2 G Now every year the malls are just a madhouse G Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles G Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit G And those coloured lights are fucking infantile G I think we collectively as the people G Should rise against this corporate jolly noise G And tell the world: G "Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change" G Before we spend it all on fucking toys. HA Chorus 2 G So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas C G You know where to stick those jingle bells D C If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah C G Fa la la la la go fuck yourself! D C If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa C G Joy to the world of getting stoned C G If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas C G So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone. HA MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!