FUNNY GIRL is the life of vaudeville comedienne Fanny Brice (1891-1951), starting in 1910. Actually the show starts after she has become a success on stage and flashes back to her origins. It opens in Fanny's dressing room. She is waiting for her husband, Nick Arnstein, to return after being in prison. She looks back to when she was a 19-year old hopeful. Her mother's poker buddies think she's wasting her life trying to break into show business. Mrs. Strakosh: Fanny, when people pay good money in the the-ay-ter-- especially the male element--they want something to look at! If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, All she gets in life Is pity and a pat. Mrs. Brice: Is a nose with deviation Such a crime against the nation? Should I throw her into jail Or drown the cat? Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker: She must shine in ev'ry detail Like a ring you're buying retail, Be a standard size that Fits a standard dress. Mrs. Strakosh: When a girl's incidentals Are no bigger than two lentils Mrs. Strakosh, O' Malley and Meeker: Then to me that doesn't spell success. Fanny auditions for Keeney's Music Hall but Keeney kicks her out of the chorus because she doesn't look like the others. Eddie Ryan, dance director for Keeney, agrees: Eddie: If a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She should dump the stage And try another route. Any guy who pays a quarter For a seat just feels he oughter See a figger that his wife can't Substitute. Kid, my heart ain't made of marble But your rhythm's really horr'ble And that map of yours just ain't no Valentine. Everything you got's about right, But the damn thing don't come out right So forget it, kid, And just resign. Chorus: If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, If a girl isn't pretty, She should get a job, Go get a job-- Get any job Get a weekly pay, 'Cause if a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City, She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A.